CHAPTER 8:
CHAPTER 8:
The Bat & The Bitcoin; A Night in a Bat-Cave
The Bat & The Bitcoin; A Night in a Bat-Cave
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Batman rapped viciously at the side of his bat-computer-monitor, distraught and confused and wrestling with the very concept of technology in his special and disgusting way. "God dammit Roban, I still can't manage to buy any Batcoins!" He screamed.Roban sat miserably across the room, his head in his hands shaking slowly, his back to Batman. "Please..." Roban whimpered, "please stop calling it that. You know it's called BITcoin. That joke wasn't even funny the first time.""What joke!?" Shrieked Batman in an unusually shrill and surprised voice, "I made my own NFT and it's a Batcoin."Roban sighed heavily, flopping back into his chair in exasperation, before he slowly started to rotate to face his crypto-obsessed boss. "So help me god, Batman," he moaned, "if you break another one of my computers by putting nickels in the monitor vents..."Roban turned to face Batman just in time to see him closing the computer's optical drive with a pile of loose change where there should be a DVD."Don't worry, I put it in the boring part of the computer this time," Batman assured him.Roban sighed as the bat-computer whirred and shuddered and ceased to function."Oh FUDGE," Batman said, "Bingo, it stopped working!" Batman had recently taken to calling Roban "Bingo" for some reason, and the shitty smirk which he never once bothered hiding gave away that Batman knew damn well what he was doing whenever he broke one of Roban's stupid fucking bat-computers. Roban opened his mouth to holler, yet no sound emerged, only sobs. Broken, his head fell back into his rubber-gloved hands. Batman made him wear the gloves at all times in case he decided he wanted to play doctor again.Any effort was pointless. There was no way to stop Batman, and even if he were to try, the result would only be more excruciating spanking sessions.So he wept. There was nothing else he could do.Batman actually felt a twinge of guilt, but only for a moment, before realizing that what he was actually feeling was hunger, not guilt. This was because it had been nearly fourteen minutes since his last meal."Roba— err, I mean — Bingo! I hunger!" Batman announced, and pressed the special button he had installed on his utility belt that played a fanfare of trumpets. He did this after making especially important announcements, as sort of an especially obnoxious punctuation. Roban responded only by crying even louder."Roban, I said —""BATMAN, PLEASE!" Moaned an anguished Roban, "Please stop! You know there's nothing down here to eat. And you know that neither of us has the strength required to climb out, especially not after this many days without food!"He was right. Batman's hunger was not going to change the fact that they were still trapped in the batcave — which they were, but only because Batman kept insisting that the only way out was to climb back up the bat-pole, and wouldn't let Roban try any of the doors, insisting that they were all just closets. Dozens of closets, he swore, even the one clearly marked "bat-elevator".Months ago, Batman had also taken the additional step of writing "master" on the door leading to the escalator, so that instead of reading "Batscalator", it read "Masterbat Scalator". This was because he had intended to make a joke to Roban about how he had a room set apart for Skeletor to jack off in... but Roban believed him, because Roban really was that fucking stupid. Then, over time, Batman came to believe it for himself -- now neither man would dare open that door, out of fear of interrupting Skeletor. So, thanks to these facts — as well as many other entirely avoidable comedies of error and acts unbridled stupidity — they truly were trapped."No more food talk, can we agree on that at least?" Roban begged of his partner. Batman thought for a moment, before smirking, and offering:"You know, Bingo, you COULD eat some spiderwebs..."—————— Six weeks after their daring escape from the Batcave, Roban found a strange tenderness in his heart when he beheld the memories of the time they had spent trapped together.It was while he was chasing the feeling of those days once again -- the thrill of being trapped with nothing to look at but Batman as he moved about in his skintight Bat-Suit-thing -- that he found himself ventuing down into the Batcave yet again. But this time, Roban was all alone, deep in the darkness of that rabies-filled hellhole.Roban pressed his cold, waxy lips to another spider's web. With his vision rendered useless in the pitch black darkness of the cave, he found all his other senses heightened, and he could already taste the silky, slightly slimy musk of the spiderweb before it even hit his tongue. This only made him thirst for the taste of sweet, sweet web even more, and a moment later he inhaled sharply, tearing the spiderweb from it's cave-wall purchase and sliding it gruesomely down his throat."I wish this night could last forever," Roban cooed to another spiderweb on the wall, which he had felt brush against his nose, "I can't wait to consume you."His blissful state was shattered by a terrifying voice from up the batpole."Roban," it shouted, "I swear to god if you're hiding out down there sucking down spiderwebs again, I'm gonna be furious."Uh-oh, Roban thought, I'm totally busted!"N-no, your highness!" Shouted Roban, his words very clearly gummed up and thickened by the residual spiderweb laced throughout his teeth and under his tongue like a tough and bitter cotton candy, "I was merely polishing your Bat-Boomerangs!""Roban," came the now-unnervingly-calm response, "if you so much as lay a finger on my bat-boomerangs, I will reign down upon you with a beating so brutal and pitiless that you will find your shitty web-covered tongue pleading to long-dead gods that I please relent, and merely bring down upon you the wrath of my bat-whip. Yes — My bat-whip, which you shall taste the stinging kiss of this eve one way or another, should I catch a whiff of spiderweb on your wretched breath... or not — it matters not to me. I thirst for your agony."Batman wasn't fucking around tonight, Roban realized. Now trembling, he went grasping and fumbling fruitlessly through the darkness, searching for a back door which did not exist.Batman's shadow poured downwards from the bat-pole-hole above, like ink raining forth from God's peehole, oppressively quenching the small sliver of light which Roban slowly inched his way towards. He could smell the peppermint schnapps on Batman's breath even from his spiderweb-sucking perch hidden all deep-down batcave way. "I'm in deep shit..." Roban muttered to himself, praying Mama Alfred came home. He longed for the days when he would merely be kept awake by the sounds of Mama Alfred and the Bat-man making love, or some temporary analogue of if, instead of the soul-wrecking moans of a lone Batman unhinged. "RAAAAAHHHHHHBAANNNNNNNNN!!!"Came the shrieking wail from the Batman above, who was now whipped into a great fervor, screaming like a banshee. Roban could do naught but curl his head into his knees, gently rock back and forth, and listen as the Batman upstairs proceeded to systematically destroy every room in bat-manor in a fit of terrifying bat-fury. He would have to spend several days down here in the darkness of the Bat-Cave... perhaps a week. However long it took for Batman to exhaust himself and collapse into unconsciousness. If not for his desire to once more taste the kiss of sweet, sweet spiderweb as it danced across his tongue, Roban would not have lived through the long and violent bat-storm upstairs.
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