CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 6:

BATMAN AND BOY-FRIEND

A few weeks later, on a golden night deep in the shadows of that gothic city, Batman and his Boy Friend were busy screaming through the darkness, hunting for murder-burglars, robber-rapists, and any other chump who looked at them cockeyed. In the night sky above, a great glowing beacon shined against the conveniently-low-hanging clouds — The Something Signal. Probably Bat signal? Batman hadn't had time to name it yet, despite having named nearly everything else he once owned or ever touched briefly in the past. The dynamic duo tore through the darkened streets and alleyways on foot this night. They were not being very quiet about things, either. The larger, more bat-shaped of the two had recently acquired a new Bat-Hat, and this Bat-Hat played cassette tapes! And although it was perfectly capable of acting as headphones, for some reason he had it set to its other mode... the mode which loudly broadcast music from the jutting bat ears on top, which were reworked to function as small yet powerful speakers. Tonight, Batman was blasting "Jock Jams", and he occasionally shouted along as it echoed down the foreboding alleyways.Additionally, Batman had acquired a sturdy ol' Bat-Stick, which he scraped along the ground and across every fence he passed, liberally using it to *THWAP* and *SMASH* any garbage can lids or windows they passed by, and he could not help but erupt into laughter every time one of his loud *WHAPs* startled a nearby homeless man. "Avast, Boy Friend! There sure are a lot of homeless men out here," Batman noted by screaming it aloud. Boy Friend wasn't sure what the "avast" was all about, but he went with it. This city was a mess. It was one of those rare times where Batman was correct. Was this shithole town even worth saving? He debated this question with himself constantly, and once again found it cropping up presently... yet his conclusion is always the same, every single time: oh my, absolutely not!"...But what the fuck else have I got to do??" Batman screamed, once more concluding this old existential debate aloud. He did that every time for some reason. Meanwhile, Batman's Boy Friend was falling behind... nearly as far as he was falling in love with Batman's behind. The flabby, deflated ass of the aging white man dressed as a bat a half block ahead beckoned him further downward to a dark place, pulling his heart ever more in love with Batman. Boy Friend ran like a girl anyway. And this time, he was also distracted. Not just by Batman's butt, but by the cellphone in his hand, which was set to speakerphone, and he annoyingly screamed a running commentary of the current events into it excitedly. Boy Friend held the phone to his mouth instead of his ear like one of those douchebags. He shouted haltingly into the conspicuously-labeled "Bat-Phone" — which was clearly just an old iPhone 5 that Batman had written on with a white-out pen — filling in whoever was on the other end of the line on every one of Batman's actions. "No, he hasn't killed anyone yet tonight. I'll let you know if that changes," Boy Friend shouted into the phone as he ran embarrassingly down the street. He was bound to look embarrassing anywhere he went, as long as he was with that Batman fellow."Oh! Hang on now, he's doing a thing," he said as he lowered the Bat-Phone for a moment. Boy Friend watched as Batman awkwardly shimmied between a heavy city garbage can and a utility pole ahead. The clumsy Bat Man did a goofy little hop and wedged himself between the two. Perched like that, he looked even dumber than usual, if that was even possible. Then, using his gangly legs and the leverage afforded to him from the pole, he toppled over the trash can in an act of needless destruction, as if he were a drunken frat boy stumbling home from a party at which he did not get laid. By pure coincidence, this happened to be a mindset Batman was all-too familiar with, having found himself inhabiting it quite often, at least in his younger days. The partial-lid of the trash can came bursting off as it hit the ground, sending all sorts of stinking refuse and rotting meats and live rodents scattering across the sidewalk and into the street, making an already disgusting scene even worse somehow.Batman himself landed hard on his ass — he wasn't even close to getting his feet back under him in time to land gracefully. Not after that ridiculous move. Boy Friend watched as Batman did his best to act like he meant to do that, leaping to his feet from sitting position in a jerky tumble. He looked like a total jackass by this point. Then, he very clearly stumbled and twisted his ankle on the way up, before resuming his run and trying his best to hide a limp. "Oh man," Boy Friend chuckled, raising the phone back up to his mouth, "he's making a fucking mess now. God, he's so cool.""What?? No—," Batman shouted back, slowing down and correcting him, "I'm not 'making a mess'! I'm CLEANING up GOTHAM!! Sometimes you have to break a few eggs in order to, ah, save the... uh..."Thankfully, a passing car honked its horn before Batman was forced to finish that thought. Then the car honked again, longer this time, having witnessed the previous act of senseless destruction. It's reverse lights switched on, and the driver began reversing up to where Batman had paused, slouching among the detritus. The driver then rolled down the window and began yelling something. Whatever he said was inaudible over Batman's speaker/Bat-Hat, which was now playing UB-40s "Red Red Wine". From where Boy Friend was standing, it sounded like a concerned citizen just very gently asking Batman to be more considerate.But by the time Boy Friend next blinked his eyes, Batman had whipped out his meek and turgid penis, which began urinating a sputtering golden spray towards the stopped car. The vehicle hammered on the gas and swerved away from the curb, driving off quickly down the road before the disturbingly high-temperature stream pissing forth from the Batman had a chance to get anywhere near their open windows. As if the piss weren't enough, Batman pulled out a gun and shot at the car a few times for good measure, all while screaming some sort of possessed warcry. Their rear window shattered, and immediately Batman tossed the firearm into the bushes and turning his attention back to pissing. The screaming, it turned out, was unrelated to the shooting however. The following four long minutes it took a hollering Batman to finish his excruciatingly-long and excruciatingly-painful urination was more than enough time for Boy Friend to become concerned."...Yeah, he's still pissing, but he's stopped screaming at least," said Boy Friend, still talking into that stupid phone. "Pissing? What the fuck does that mean?? It's called making pee-pee. Who the hell are you talking to anyway," asked Batman, annoyedly shaking the last sizzling drops from his generally-agreed-upon-to-be-"disappointing" penis."It better not be anyone other than the commissioner... Or Cody," he added, placing his hands on his hips impatiently, leaving the penis free to twitch about in the smoggy night air."Commissioner? Of what? Dude, it's Cody, you know that...," Boy Friend said, his voice wavering. He was confused and somewhat concerned by this question, because just ten minutes ago Batman had dialed the phone and placed it into Boy Friend's hands, and then given him explicit instructions to tell Cody what was going on."Ah, good old Cody. I like Cody," Batman mumbled, nodding, before leaning towards the phone himself and adding, "Hey, Cody! How's it going?""Hi, Batman," sighed the weary-sounding voice from the phone, "what are y--" Suddenly, the phone cut off, its battery dead. "No...!!" Batman jolted at first, then slowly backed away from the phone, smashing his fist into his palm, "...they got Cody...""Oh," said Boy Friend flatly, "I'm pretty sure the phone just died."Batman shook his head tragically."No, it was clearly Cody who died. We just couldn't save him in time." Boy Friend was taken aback by Batman's astounding leap to conclusion, but not as much as he was astounded by something else. Something which should not have been at all distracting. "Hey, uh, Batman—" Boy Friend pointed to a large brick building 30ft away, "that's a children's hospital there..."Batman scoffed, cutting him short."No more hospital visits for me, not after last time, when Dr. Michael called me an asshole. I'm not gonna get called an asshole again, no sir!" Batman spit in the general direction of the hospital."Ah, no, we're not going in," absolutely not, Boy Friend thought to himself — not after the incident earlier in the afternoon. "Mostly I was just hoping you'd put away your, ah..."Boy Friend raised his eyebrows and looked down at Batman's deflated penis, clearing his throat. Batman just stared at him confusedly. "...Put away your pee-pee maker, sir." Boy Friend had known Batman wouldn't catch the hint, but feigning modesty had afforded him another opportunity to shamelessly gaze upon Batman's tragic organ, which to his eyes appeared absolutely gorgeous, engorged, and gleaming with majesty.He so deeply wished he could hold it, or hold it deeply within himself, but he settled for holding Batman's Bat-Stick as he watched him tuck his tiny, red acorn away and zip up his Bat-Pants."Thank you for reminding me, Boy Friend," Batman said, clearing his throat, "Once again you prove yourself to be a fantastic friend, and boy wonder, despite no longer being a boy. You know, it was Cody's dying wish that you become my ward, and adopt a new, more fitting name...""Uh, Cody said that? That's weird, I never even met him..." said Boy Friend, shuffling his feet awkwardly, "and what's a ward anyway? It doesn't involve, like..."He began to whisper nervously, "...sex stuff... does it?"As much as he lusted after his man friend, Boy Friend WAS only 32 years old, and much too young for such adult matters."Oh, Boy Friend," Batman chuckled, "that's the second stupidest question you've asked me since I met you this morning."Boy Friend broke out in a sweat as he realized Batman had not answered his question whatsoever."Boy Friend," shouted Batman, adjusting his posture and snatching back his Bat-Stick, "you shall henceforth be known as Roban, in honor of my dead parents — Robert Man and Andrew Man. You're my ward now.""Wait, let me get this straight — you mentioned your parents' murder and all, but left out that you had two fathers, and their names were Robert Man and Andrew Man...?", Roban asked incredulously, as any reasonable person would. "Yes. And I am their son.... Bat Man," he replied matter-of-factly.Roban nodded, "Okay, just making sure I didn't mishear".Batman then whacked Roban hard as fuck on the side of the head with the Bat-Stick, twice, just for the hell of it. It felt good to do so. Nothing soothed Batman's nerves more than indiscriminately abusing those who made the horrible mistake of trusting him... because in addition to being an all-around nightmare of a person, Batman was also deeply, deeply disturbed."O-oww, ow," Said Roban, clutching his skull, now permanently deaf in the receiving ear, and almost certain to mishear things from now on, "I'm... so honored, Batman." He was glowing inside, beaming with pride, just as strongly as he felt so deeply ashamed that being hit by Batman had felt so, so good. "Roban, my ward, how far have we gone patrolling tonight?" Asked Batman, now shouting in a pale imitation of a commanding voice, mostly to be heard over his hat/stereo bullshit, which was now blasting Paula Cole's "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone"."Um, well, we ran about two blocks before you knocked over that trash can and shot up that car," Roban meekly stated while gazing from where they had come up the block. "I'd say that's more than a solid night's work of making these streets safer. Ward, go, fetch the Bat-Car," Batman said as he tossed Roban the keys."You mean the batmobile?" Asked Robin as he felt along the dark pavement for the keys, which he had missed catching by a mile."Sure, whatever," said Batman distractedly, as he fumbled with his fly and began to urinate again, "you can drive stick, right?""Uh... no, but, how hard can it be," muttered Roban. But he was quickly drowned out by the screams of agony as Batman began his awful urination. He couldn't help but linger for a very long moment — having been blessed with another chance to stare longingly at Batman's exposed genitalia, he did just that. His brain almost immediately short-circuited with delight when he noticed that from this angle, it was clear that Batman was endowed with not one, but two beautifulpenises.Batman's screaming faltered when he noticed that Roban still hadn't started bringing around the Bat-car, and that was enough to snap Roban out of his pee-pee-induced stasis, and he quickly went scurrying down the block with the keys, as Batman's agonized wailing regained intensity. "Where the fuck is his hustle?" Thought Batman, under his screaming, "I hope I didn't make a huge mistake." He had. Many, many times over throughout his 63 years of living, he had. Countless mistakes, too huge and numerous to list here. This was almost certainly another one.Batman's screams drifted over Gotham like an air-raid siren, and the stench of his urine choked the atmosphere. His thoughts drifted back to Cody. He would miss Cody dearly. He really liked that guy.

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