CHAPTER 7:
CHAPTER 7:
BATMAN AND BOY-FRIEND
BATMAN AND BOY-FRIEND
Embedded Files
A few weeks later…On a beautiful golden night deep in the shadows of that gothic city, the Bat Man and his Boy Friend were busy screaming through the darkness, hunting for murder-burglars, robber-rapists, and any other chump who looked at them cockeyed. In the night sky above, a great glowing beacon shined against the conveniently-low-hanging clouds — The Something Signal. Probably Bat signal? The Bat Man hated that thing, and did not deem it worthy of naming, despite having named nearly everything else which bore a bat logo of any kind, as well as anything he once owned or ever touched briefly in the past.This somewhat-dynamic duo tore through the darkened streets and alleyways on foot this night. They were not being very quiet about things, either. The larger, more bat-shaped of the two had recently acquired a new Bat-Hat, and this Bat-Hat played cassette tapes! And although it was perfectly capable of acting as headphones, for some reason he had it set to its other mode... the mode which loudly broadcast music from the jutting bat ears on top, which were reworked to function as small yet powerful speakers.Tonight, the Bat Man was blasting "Jock Jams” from an old CD he had loaded into the Discman sewn into the back of his bat bullshit cape — right between his shoulders, where he absolutely could not reach. Occasionally he shouted along with the music as it echoed down the foreboding alleyways.Additionally, the Bat Man had acquired a sturdy ol' Bat-Stick, which he scraped along the ground and across every fence he passed, liberally using it to *THWAP* and *SMASH* any garbage can lids or windows they passed by, and he could not help but erupt into laughter every time one of his loud *WHAP*s startled a nearby homeless man."Avast, Boy Friend! There sure are a lot of homeless men out here," the Bat Man thought by screaming it aloud. Boy Friend wasn't sure what the "avast" was all about, but he went with it. “This is all Commissioner Gavin Newsom’s fault y’know,” he continued, “what a fuckin’ mess the goddamn dems have made of this town!”This city was a mess. It was another one of those astoundingly rare times where the Bat Man was correct. However, there was no “commissioner” in the town, let alone one with the same name as the governor of California, nor was the condition of the town the result of any one political party so much as it was assumedly the result of having an active population of 25+ supervillains conducting their plots, schemes, and genocides on any given day, but the Bat Man was not considering actual contributing factors in Gotham City’s decline so much as he was just spouting off things he thought he heard on FOX News. Even if he had been considering this, the Bat Man had yet to encounter a single one of these supposed supervillains, nor had he seen even a shred of evidence as to their existence whatsoever.Still, regardless of how things got to such a sorry gothic state, a crime-fighter such as he was now forced to wonder… was this shithole even worth saving? The Bat Man debated this question with himself constantly, and here he was debating it yet again… and much like every other time, he would swiftly arrive at the same old conclusion—Heavens, no! Absolutely not!"...but what the fuck else have I got to do??" the Bat Man screamed, concluding his internal existential debate aloud, confusing the shit out of his Boy Friend who was still grappling with the fact that the Bat Man had said “avast”.They continued their mad dashabout in the name of justice, all the while the Bat Man's Boy Friend was steadily falling behind — nearly as far as he was falling in love with the Bat Man’s behind. Yes… that flabby, deflated ass on the aging white man dressed as a bat a half block ahead was steadily dragging him him further downward into a slightly familiar and decidedly dark place, coaxing his heart ever more into a true love for the Bat Man.Boy Friend was running behind because he ran like a girl — a fact his father had long ago repeatedly pointed out to him, and which the Bat Man had commented on several times in the past hour. But partially to blame for his flagrantly feminine gait was the new Special-Boy Costume which the Bat Man had pieced together for his new Boy Friend.Unlike the Bat Man’s dark, armored, and somewhat utilitarian costume of Bat-Bullshit which offered him a modicum of camouflage, protection, and plenty of storage for all his Bat-DooDads, the Special Boy costume was all garish bright colors, strangely textured fabrics, completely devoid of pockets or convenient openings of any sort. The bright red top of the costume was sewn onto the skimpy green bottom, with the top cut from some sort of rough, itchy fabric that Rob was pretty sure was burlap, and the pants — if they could even be called that — were the size and shape of a child-sized pair of briefs, except made out of a strange layered weave of astoundingly bright green leaves. The skimpiness of the pants and the two men’s tendency to operate in the cool night air both conspired to make the Boy Friend appreciative of the tights he was instructed to wear beneath them, if only for the additional warmth they provided. Aside from that, they were the same pallid yellow color as the skin of a jaundiced corpse, and somehow nearly as itchy as their red-burlap shirt counterpart. Because of these components all being sewn together and impractically layered on one another, as well as the aforementioned lack of convenient openings, there was certainly not a zipper to be found anywhere on this horrible costume, and as a result the simple act of urination required disrobing to complete nudity just to accomplish without soaking any fabrics. Rather than tie it all together, the cape thrown on top introduced a blinding yellow into the color scheme, which only served to clash even more with the other colors that made up his awful uniform. Again, in a deviation from the Bat Man’s sturdy warmth- and protection-providing cape, the Boy Friend’s cape instead seemed to be made from some sort of yellow tarpaulin, and it never quite fully hung properly about his shoulders, as large swaths of it remained rigid and jutting out at odd angles in addition to creating a very loud crinkling sound whenever he moved about in the slightest.His gloves were oversized enough to make him ten times clumsier, and made of a material shiny enough that it reflected noticeable glints of light even in the darkest of shadows. This was unfortunate, as he would have to spend a significant amount of time creeping around in shadows if he were to have any hope of maintaining a secret identity, because despite the Bat Man’s wearing of a mask which dutifully covered 75% of his exceptionally-wide face, he had insisted that Boy Friend could make do instead with a narrow ribbon of black fabric, which encircled and hugged his eyes like a thick eyeliner, doing functionally zero to hide his identity while also severely limiting his entire range of sight, and also completely blinding his peripheral vision.However the biggest culprit in his sudden loss of speed this night was the boots, which were also a nauseating green, and appeared to be made out of some form of plaster-cast or papier-mâché, and they had already crumbled away significantly in the short distance he had worn them, revealing the layers of old newspaper which he assumed were for insulation, but which actually served as the main structural component of this wildly uncomfortable, cursed set of footwear.As if the wardrobe wasn’t enough of a hindrance, he was also distracted — and not just by the Bat Man's butt, but also by the cellphone in his hand, which was set on speakerphone, and into which he annoyingly screamed a running commentary of their “patrol” that evening. He held the phone to his mouth instead of his ear like one of those douchebags. Entrusted with the operation of their latest, and most-conspicuously-labeled "Bat-Phone" — which was clearly just an old iPhone 5 that the Bat Man had written ‘Bat-Pone’ on with a white-out pen, somehow misspelling “phone” in the process as well — the Boy Friend was busy filling in whoever was on the other end of the line on every one of the Bat Man's actions."No, he hasn't killed anyone yet tonight. Does he usually KILL people??” Boy Friend shouted into the phone as he ran embarrassingly down the street. He was bound to look embarrassing anywhere he went, as long as he was with the Bat Man."Oh! Hang on now, he's doing a thing," he said as he lowered the Bat-Phone for a moment.Boy Friend watched as the Bat Man awkwardly charged up to a heavy city garbage can and a utility pole ahead. The clumsy Bat Man did a goofy little hop and wedged himself between the two, shimmying between them with his feet on the trashcan and his back against the pole. Perched like that, he looked even dumber than usual, if that was even possible. Then, using his chubby, short legs and the leverage afforded to him from his height up the pole, he toppled over the trash can in an act of what appeared to be needless destruction — one that would be expected from the mindset of someone like a drunk 19-year-old frat boy stumbling home from a party where he did not get enough female attention. Coincidentally, this was a mindset which the Bat Man pretty consistently inhabited.The top rim of the trash can came bursting off as it hit the ground, sending all sorts of stinking refuse and rotting meats and live rodents scattering across the sidewalk and into the street, making an already disgusting scene even worse somehow.The Bat Man himself landed hard on his ass — he wasn't even close to getting his feet back under him in time to land gracefully… not at his age and agility level.Boy Friend watched as the Bat Man did his best to act like he meant to do that, leaping to his feet from his sitting position in a jerky tumble. He looked like a total jackass by this point, but in his defense, he began the night looking like a total jackass as well. Then, he very clearly stumbled and twisted his ankle on the way up, before awkwardly and silently resuming his run and trying his best to hide a limp, as if all that fumbling and tumbling were intentional."Oh man," Boy Friend chuckled, raising the phone back up to his mouth, "he's doing some kind of parkour now. God, he's so cool.”“See, Boy Friend,” the Bat Man said between gasps of air, as he bent over with his hands on his knees, exhausted from this slight bit of activity. “By spilling that trash everywhere, I’ve made this area less appealing to any filthy homeless people. Sometimes you gotta fight trash with trash!”“Now he’s giving me advice,” Boy Friend needlessly whispered into the phone, before hollering at the Bat Man. “So we’re doing battle with the homeless, now? Are they, like, supervillains…?”The Bat Man nodded firmly. “Yes, Boy Friend. Worse, in fact, they’re —“Thankfully, a passing car honked its horn before the Bat Man was forced to finish that thought, saving him from both embarrassing and potentially cancelling himself. The driver honked again, longer this time, having witnessed the previous act of senseless destruction and shameless littering, his horn itself an attempt at a drive-by scolding of the Bat Man.Of course, as if by reflex, the Bat Man responded by throwing up a middle finger at the car, which then immediately skid to a halt. The reverse lights switched on, and the driver began closing the distance to where the Bat Man had paused, slouching among the detritus. The driver then rolled down the window and began yelling something.Whatever he said was mostly inaudible over the Bat Man's speaker/Bat-Hat, which was now playing UB-40s "Red Red Wine”, but from where Boy Friend was standing, it sounded like someone just very gently asking the Bat Man to be more considerate, and he clenched his eyes shut in preparation for exactly how poorly he imagined the Bat Man would take direct criticism from a civilian. He certainly did not expect to be quite so surprised, nor as turned on, by what he witnessed as soon as he opened his eyes back up a second later.In the span of but a second, the Bat Man had whipped out his meek yet turgid penis, and promptly began urinating a large and sputtering golden spray towards the stopped car.The vehicle hammered on the gas and swerved away from the curb, driving off quickly down the road before the disturbingly high-temperature stream of piss had a chance to get anywhere near their open windows.And then, as if the piss weren't nearly awful enough, the Bat Man pulled out the Bat-gun and shot at the car a few times for good measure, all while screaming some sort of shrieking, vulgar war cry in an ancient foreign language. The car’s rear window shattered as it sped away with the 4th or 5th shot fired, and with a terrifying nonchalance, the Bat Man calmly tossed the firearm into the bushes and turned his attention back to pissing.That strange war cry, it turned out, was unrelated to the shooting — because it continued over the following four long, long minutes that it took the hollering the Bat Man to finish his excruciatingly-long and excruciatingly-painful urination. Needless to say, this was much more than enough time for Boy Friend to become concerned."...Yeah, he's still pissing, but he's stopped screaming at least," said Boy Friend into that stupid phone once more."Pissing? What the fuck does that mean,” asked the Bat Man, annoyedly, “It's called making pee-pee.” With this statement, the stream of urine coughed, sputtered, and hissed for a moment before resuming, as if the Bat Man somehow had air pockets stuck in his urethra.“Excuse me,” the Bat Man said afterwards, “dick cough.”Boy Friend stood staring at this awful display with his jaw hanging for a moment. Dicks don’t cough, do they?? Before he could even consider this for a moment, however, the Bat Man’s dick did exactly that and coughed again, once more momentarily interrupting the urination.“Who the hell are you talking to anyway," whined the Bat Man, as he shook the last sizzling drops from his generally-agreed-upon-to-be-disappointing penis. ”It better be the commissioner, and not some Cat Lady.” He frowned, placing his hands on his hips impatiently, and leaving his cough-capable ding-dong free to twitch about in the smoggy night air."Commissioner? Of what…? Dude, it's Cody, you know that...," Boy Friend said, his voice wavering. He was confused and somewhat concerned by this question, because just ten minutes earlier, the Bat Man had dialed the phone and placed it into Boy Friend's hands, and then given him explicit instructions to inform Cody what was going on moment-by-moment."Ah, good old Cody. I like Cody," the Bat Man mumbled, nodding, before leaning towards the phone himself and adding, "Hey, Cody! How's it going?""Hi, the Bat Man," sighed the weary-sounding voice from the phone, "what are y--" Suddenly, the phone cut off, its battery dead."No...!!" the Bat Man jolted, then slowly backed away from the phone, and smashed his fist into his palm, “...they got Cody!”“Who got cody??”“That evil monster, Two-Faces!”"No," said Boy Friend flatly, "I'm pretty sure the Bat-phone just died."The Bat Man shook his head tragically."No, it was Cody who died. That dastardly Two-Faces caught up with him. We just couldn't save him in time."Boy Friend was taken aback by such an astounding leap to conclusion, but as his eyes drifted downward he quickly abandoned any attempt at trying to reassure the Bat Man of Cody’s continued survival."Hey, uh, the Bat Man—" Boy Friend pointed to a large brick building 30ft away, "that's a children's hospital there—“The Bat Man scoffed, cutting him short by practically shoving his be-gloved hand into Boy Friend’s face, as he pronounced: “No more hospital visits for me! Not after last time! Do you remember last time, Boy Friend?? When Dr. Michael called me an asshole for slithering underneath the MRI machine?? I'm not gonna get called an asshole again, no sir!” Then the Bat Man spit in the general direction of the hospital."Ah, no, we're not going in," absolutely not, Boy Friend thought to himself — not after the previous incident with Dr. Michael. ”I was just hoping you'd put away your… ah…” Boy Friend raised his eyebrows, gesturing and and glancing down at the Bat Man's deflated penis, clearing his throat. “Put away what?” The Bat Man just stared at him.“Your dick.” Boy Friend said bluntly. The Bat Man scoffed and just shook his head.“Ha, no, you’re Dick. Dick Grayson, right?”Boy Friend had absolutely no idea what the Bat Man was talking about.‘That’s… not my name?”“The fuck? Yes it is!” The Bat Man insisted, thinking he knew a thing or two about bat men’s sidekicks.“My name is Rob… you know that…”“Well what’s your fucking point, anyway??” The Bat Man was growing quite annoyed at this exchange.“Er— Your ‘fucking point’, sir,” Boy Friend desperately tried to explain, inventing a new euphemism for penis and now unmistakably pointing directly at the Bat Man’s exposed genitalia, “It’s still out!” Boy Friend grew increasingly uncomfortable the closer he came to having to say ‘the P-word’. Penis or not, he was never very good at being straightforward… or forward, or straight, for that matter. But still the Bat Man was having none of it this time.“Boy Friend, if you don’t start making sense soon,” the Bat Man chillingly stated with the unnerving calm of a true sociopath, “then I will use my gun to murder you where you stand.”Boy Friend began visibly trembling as he took a deep breath and pleaded with his most sincere, yet still-wavering voice.“P-please put your p-penis away before you get arrested,” he whined.“My WHAT??” The Bat Man growled, as he slowly began reaching for his gun, still unable to comprehend the Boy Friend’s statements.“Y-your pee-pee maker, sir?!” Boy Friend was now terrified, and feeling the end of his life quickly approaching, he afforded himself the opportunity to shamelessly gaze upon the Bat Man's sex organ, which for some unholy reason, to his eyes appeared absolutely gorgeous, engorged, and gleaming with majesty.“Ah, not again,” the Bat Man groaned, passing his other Bat-Stick off to Boy Friend to hold while he made himself somewhat decent, “I always forget!” Boy Friend took his last longing gaze at the Bat Man’s member. He so deeply wished he could hold it, or hold it deeply within himself, but he settled for holding the Bat Man's Bat-Stick as he watched him tuck his tiny, coughing red acorn away and zip up his Bat-Pants.“Thank you for reminding me, Boy Friend," the Bat Man said, clearing his throat, "Once again you prove yourself to be a fantastic friend, and boy wonder.”“Mm-hmm,” was all Boy Friend could muster, as he held his eyes shut momentarily, trying to commit every detail of the Bat Man’s anatomy to his memory before it faded.“You know,” the Bat Man continued, “it was Cody's dying wish that you become my ward…”"Um, Cody said that? That's weird, I never even met him..." said Boy Friend, shuffling his feet awkwardly.“What can I say,” the Bat Man explained, “Cody knows a good ward when he doesn’t see one!”“J-just so we’re clear, does being a ward…” Boy Friend stuttered nervously, “Er— does that involve, like..."He began to whisper nervously. "...sex stuff?"As much as he lusted after his man friend, Boy Friend WAS only 30 years old, and much too immature for such adult matters."Oh, Boy Friend," the Bat Man chuckled, "that's the second stupidest question you’ve ever asked me."Boy Friend was too busy wondering what the first-stupidest question was to realize that the Bat Man had suspiciously not answered his question whatsoever."Boy Friend," shouted the Bat Man, adjusting his posture and snatching back his Bat-Stick, “kneel before your master!”Boy Friend glanced around to make sure no other masters were approaching, then pointed at the Bat Man’s face.“That you?” He asked.The Bat Man nodded silently and stuck out his Bat-Stick like a sword, as his Boy Friend awkwardly dropped onto both knees on the pavement right in front of him, displaying a downright shocking level of subservience that worried even the Bat Man.“Boy Friend… you shall henceforth be known as Robman, in honor of my dead parents — Barry Man and Andrew Man,” the Bat Man announced, then wiggled his stick pointlessly in the air next to Boy Friend’s kneeling head.“And thus you have become my ward,” the Bat Man stated ominously, and took a pregnant pause to stress the importance of this moment. Neither Robman nor the Bat Man quite knew what being a ward entailed, yet that didn’t stop the former from grinning with delight and the latter to start dark-beaming with sadistic pride.After a long moment, Robman cleared his throat.“Ah, just… one more question…“ the new ward said awkwardly, ruining the moment. “You had mentioned your parents' murder and all, but… you left out that you had two fathers?" Robman asked incredulously, as any reasonable person would. “And their names were Barry Man and Andrew Man…??”The Bat Man blinked, wondering if he was somehow unclear when he had just explained that."Yes. And I am their son, the Bat.... the Bat Man," he replied matter-of-factly.Robman nodded, fully accepting that explanation without a touch of doubt whatsoever."Okay, just making sure I didn't mishear," he said.The Bat Man responded by striking Robman hard as fuck on the side of the head with the Bat-Stick, twice, as punishment for potentially mishearing him. It felt good to do so. Nothing soothed the Bat Man's nerves more than indiscriminately abusing those who made the horrible mistake of trusting him... because in addition to being an all-around nightmare of a person, the Bat Man was also deeply, deeply disturbed."O-oww, ow," Said Robman, clutching his skull, now permanently deaf in the receiving ear and almost certain to mishear practically ALL things from here on out, before surprisingly regaining his composure to announce: "I'm... so honored."Robman was positively glowing. For the first time in his life, he had achieved a goal. He had finally found his place in the world. This uplifting feeling of acceptance was rivaled only by the shame he felt from the fact that being hit by the Bat Man had felt so, so good."Robman, my ward, how far have we gone patrolling tonight,” asked the Bat Man, now shouting in a pale imitation of a commanding voice. This was mostly to be heard over his bat-hat/stereo bullshit, which was now blasting Paula Cole's "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone"."Um, well, we ran about two blocks before you knocked over that trash can and shot up that car," Robman meekly stated while gazing back where they had come up the block."I'd say that's more than a solid night's work of making these streets safer. Ward, go, fetch the Bat-Car," the Bat Man said as he tossed Robman the keys.“You want me to drive??” Asked Robman, as he felt around on the dark pavement for the keys, which he had missed catching by a mile."Sure, whatever," said the Bat Man distractedly, as he fumbled with his fly and began to urinate again, "you can drive stick, right?""Uh... Stick? What’s that mean?” Robman quietly asked. His words were drowned out by the screams of agony as the Bat Man begun to urinate again. Robman couldn't help but linger there, on all fours on the pavement, for a very long moment despite having found the keys — he had been blessed with another chance to stare longingly at the Bat Man's exposed genitalia, and by golly, he was not going to take that blessing for granted.His brain almost immediately short-circuited with delight when he noticed that from this angle, it was clear that the Bat Man was endowed with not one, but two beautiful penises.The Bat Man's screaming faltered when he noticed that Robman still hadn't started bringing around the Bat-car, and that was enough to snap Robman out of his homo-stasis, and he quickly went scurrying down the block with the keys as the Bat Man's agonized wailing regained intensity."Where the fuck is his hustle?" the Bat Man asked himself between screams, "I hope I didn’t just make a huge mistake." He had. Many, many times over throughout his lifetime of being the Bat Man, he had made mistakes. Countless mistakes, too huge and numerous to list here. And this was almost certainly another one.The Bat Man's screams drifted over Gotham like an air-raid siren, and the stench of his urine drifted over the dismal grey skyline, just as the Bat Man’s thoughts drifted back to Cody. He would miss Cody dearly.He really liked that guy.
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