The New York Times #1 Bestselling Novel
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"A shocking character study of an American icon as we've never seen him before. This time, Batman is the worst."-Doctor Corbo"A nightmarish book in which Batman eventually marries a completely unremarkable woman twice his age named Biche Cusket, a storyline which makes little sense whatsoever until you realize that the author has never read even one Batman comic, nor seen any Batman movie... yet remarkably he somehow still managed to compose an entire novel about Batman. And so, this is an an entirely new Batman we're dealing with... and boy is he absolutely insufferable."-Your Uncle Michael"Why are Batman and Robin so awful towards women? All the characters in this book are bat-shit insane... I'm just shocked theres even other characters whatsoever. This will be the voynich manuscript of our times. You should add drawings." -Maggie
CHAPTER 18: THE BIG BAT-DAY
Presiding over their wedding was the same smarmily-dressed priest that had once attempted to save Biche’s life when she fell into the furnace as a child. As she walked up the aisle, the memories came flooding back to her. They were flooding like the floodwaters that had saved her from the fires of the furnace she once fell into long ago. Yes, the very same floodwaters that had destroyed her childhood home. The memories of that tragic flood lapped at her mind, much like the furnace’s excruciatingly hot flames had lapped at her tiny body back then, scorching her plain, unremarkable brown hair... just before the floodwaters had lapped lappingly at the lapping flames of the furnace fires, extinguishing them with great abandon. “I sure hope Batman is lapping my lap later…”, Biche obliviously said aloud. Even the people in the crowd who didn’t realize this was a terrible euphemism for oral sex groaned in disgust — just the sound of her voice was enough to elicit anguished moans. Biche continued to think about oral sex with Batman for a moment, before shaking the thought from her mind for the time being. She had a wedding to focus on! She looked at the priest, which made her think about the furnace again -- not good! She needed to remind herself to think happy thoughts on this happy day, so she thought about Batman giving her head again. No -- that was too much, now she was getting all hot and bothered! ‘Hot’, just like the flames -- cripes, now she’s thinking about the furnace again! Will her wedding be ruined?? Nope. She started thinking about something else altogether. That was close. “It’s happening,” said Biche, smiling, “I’m finally marrying Batman! I’m happier than six clowns clowning and drinking strange red milk!” Biche was unaware that the six clowns were, obviously, secretly crying on the inside… and the strange red milk they were drinking — it was blood. Yeah, these were some sick clowns alright. Meanwhile, the majority of her wedding ceremony had transpired already during those few paragraphs where she was lost in thought.
Batman had arrived boringly some time ago. He was wearing his usual Batman bullshit, except for a special batman wedding mask of a strange pink surgical rubber. He had forgotten to wear pants and his flaccid, unsightly penis flopped around wetly as he shifted and squirmed in place."I now pronounce you ARM AND HAMMER!" Screamed the priest with delight, as he shot a proud glance at Batman, who was barely choking down laughter.Biche knew immediately that Batman had told the priest ahead of time to say this. This knowledge filled her with a sort of raging tragedy, if that's even a thing?
She angrily turned her gaze towards Batman, scowling and heartbroken... until she noticed Batman’s eyes focus over her shoulder, towards the night sky. Biche spun around to see what had her bat man so transfixed. From her current position teetering on the edge of an open window on the 44th floor of the Gotham/World Trade Center tower, there was no mistaking the luminous shape enormous and glowing in the night sky — it was… The Something Signal . “Bat”, she thought maybe? “Oh, I wonder wh — ” Biche’s voice stopped as she turned back around. Batman was gone. “Not again…” She said sadly, as she sighed sadly, sadly bowing her head like a sad, sad lady. “Not again what??” Said a voice from a few feet to her right. It was Batman. “I went over here,” he explained, pointing toward his feet. Biche’s anxiety only grew with this revelation. For deep inside, she had truly hoped that Batman had taken off before he had a chance to inevitably embarrass her in front of the crowd of total strangers gathered for their wedding. “All joking aside,” said the priest, clearing his throat, “you may kiss the — ” suddenly, Batman punched the priest, cutting him off mid-sentence. Biche screamed, holding her fat, fat hand to her comically large mouth in shock, and staring horrified as Batman shook the blood from his bat-glove. Yeah, there was blood alright. Lots of it — that priest was dead. “Oh my god, Batman!” Screamed Biche, her fat hands trembling, “Wh-what did you do!? He said ‘joking’, not ‘Joker’!!” “What…? Oh!” Replied Batman, shaking his head, “I didn’t even notice that. I was just tired of that talkman talk-talking during my party. You remember what happened at my last party... when my Uncle Michael called me an asshole for climbing on the roof of his shed when I got bored? I wasn’t gonna get called an asshole again, no sir -- not Batman!” Biche did not remember. In fact, she was barely listening to her near-husband, as she was now sobbing hysterically and crouching beside the downed priest — or, “talkman”, as Batman had called him. Were the talkman alive, Biche wouldn’t have listened anyway. She never listened. She was awful. “I’m going over there now,” said Batman, pointing 30ft to his left, and promptly began walking. He walked like such a jerk. He looked dumb. Of course Batman wasn’t looking where he was going either, and he walked straight into a folding chair like a motherfucking butthead. The chair tipped over and clanked loudly onto the ground, shattering the silence. The silence had already been shattered by Biche’s sobs, but not to be outdone, Batman had managed to find a way to shatter it again, apparently. “You broke the chair now too?? That was my important chair!” Biche’s lip trembled as she whined, “Oh my lord, Batman, what else are you going to screw up!?”, before bursting into tears again like a little crybaby. “Mm, I like that —”, came Batman’s emotionless response, “Alexa, from now on call me ‘Your Lord Batman’.” “My name is Biche!” Sobbed the Bat-Bride-to-Be. “Would you shut up for a SECOND,” screamed a now-furious Lord Batman, “I was talking to my Amazon thing,” He lied. He did not actually own any Amazon products, and had genuinely forgotten her name. “You ruined Christmas!!”, Alexa screamed, interrupting him. Yeah, it was Christmas too. And he had certainly ruined it. The crowd shuffled out in silence, shaking their heads, leaving Alexa alone with Lord Batman and the body of the Talkman, whose pockets Batman was busy searching. He needed every bit of money he could scrounge. Weddings were not cheap, and clearly they would require another.
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